I got fatter, and married, and RNY...a lot has happened in the last several years.

Weight: 241.9 lbs (believe it or not, this is good news)
Activities: okay, right...walking around the block once
Food: fideo, lunchmeat and cheese, soy and ginger chicken breast tender (but all in portions that would have been my first bite before)

To all my faithful readers...which, let's face it, it nobody...not even me:

It's been many years since i posted on this blog, but I've been unhappy about being fat every day in between.

So, here's the update on my life (as it may or may not pertain to fatness):
1. I got married!
2. I had a kid!
3. I had gastric bypass!

Real talk.  My high weight was 275.  275!!  That's basically 300 lbs!!

So, I had RNY gastric bypass in December of 2017.  So far so good, but I'm losing weight slower than expected.  At surgery time, I was 258, so in a little more than a month, I'm down about 17 lbs.  That's nothing to sneeze at, but it's also WAAAAAY slower than a bunch of the people in my bariatric support groups who lost 30 lbs in their first month.

I'm not sure I'll continue to update this blog because I never really did before, and I only really thought about it because I got locked out of my myfitnesspal account (that I haven't used since 2010 or so...) and i used an unhappyfatgirl email address to log into it back in the day.

I'm not so much unhappy anymore.  I mean...I don't love the way my weight makes me feel, but I have a much better perspective on how losing weight won't really solve anything besides maybe my shortness of breath and achy bones.  Also, I think the love of a good great man coupled with the body positivity movement helped me understand that my body is not a problem to be solved.

So finger's crossed that the nice people at myfitnesspal will help me get back into my old account.  I really don't want to have a new user name for literally ONE service on the whole internet.

Insanity Day 2 aka What does plyometric mean anyway?

Weight: 235.0 (OMG, that's 1.5 lbs less than yesterday. I should leave the couch more often.), Wii Fit Age : 37 - apparently I walk unevenly. Meh. BMI: 41.64, so I'm at lest tiptoeing in the right direction.

Activities:

Food:

You what I hate? When the Wii Fit goes "That's obese" after calculating my weight. I know I'm obese. The Wii has my numbers from yesterday, which were also obese. So, why say it as if you're surprised? On the plus side, my numbers are slightly down from yesterday. OF course, it could be a fluke based on the time of day and when I last ate and all of that stuff that makes your weight fluctuate a few pounds throughout the day, but I'm calling it a small victory anyway. I need a win. Let's hope tomorrow it's down a little too, and the day after that, so the in a week or so, it will be below the threshold of "everyone's weight fluctuates" and I can claim a legitimate, albeit tiny, victory.

So, my weight listed above is before I did my workout. I weighed myself after, and I'm down another 1.3 lbs. Seriously! My BMI is at 41.41 and my weight is 233.7 lbs. Can you believe it? It will probably all pack back on when I eat lunch, but if it doesn't, that's awesome. And if every workout makes me lose a pound or so, then I'll be down 60 pounds by May. I see countless flaws in that logic, as it is based on wishes and wrong assumptions, but somehow it's still satisfying to consider it a possibility.

The Insanity workout is insane. I couldn't keep up at all, but I didn't give up. I did some of everything, but in fat-girl slow motion. And when I got tired, I didn't stop completely, although I skipped some of the jumping while doing the rest of the exercise. And when I caught my breath again, I'd jump once or twice, and then land on my knees or something else embarrassing. But I did the whole thing, without giving up. Maybe tomorrow I'll do most of the jumps, and by next week, I'll be doing the whole thing properly, if not still slowly.

So, my workout is done, and I am now watching Anne Burrell on Food Network. I'm not sure what that says about my weight issues, but I don't care to get into it today. :)

Start the Insanity!

Weight: 236.6, BMI 41.91, Wii Fit Age 33

Activities: Insanity Fit Test. My butt has been sufficiently kicked.

Food: None, yet. But I think I'll go minimal carb when I do eat.

Alright, so I totally botched my Fatty/Fattia project by not only failing to lose 100 lbs. by my 30th birthday, but I have gained like 10. I clearly haven't been serious about this since 2009, and as it is 2011, and I'm still fat and 30, it's time to get serious.

To that end, I am starting the Insanity workout today. I'm terrified. My brother bought the dvds and he's letting me use them. I am determined to do this for real. I'm also taking hydroxycut. So, this is either going to help me get skinny or make me puke. Either way, I'd rather be doing something than nothing. But I really don't want to vomit.

Later that day...

Okay, so I did the Insanity fit test, and unfit doesn't even begin to describe me. Haha. The people on the video were like "I started at only 40 reps, but now I can do 70." Well, on those same exercises I was doing like...4 reps. So maybe in 60 days, I'll be up to 7. Some of the exercises were super hard anyway, but I also felt so exhausted from the previous exercise that I was already behind when the exercise started. On the plus side, I never wanted to give up. My thought was, no matter how tired I was, I was going to do at least some of each exercise. So I couldn't last the full minute...who cares. I didn't quit, which for me is a HUGE accomplishment. So, I'm on my way to slowly embarrassing myself as I waddle through the Insanity program. that's okay. Something is better than nothing, and if I never try, I'll never improve.

So, at the moment, I feel like i'm going to skip the elliptical today since Insanity kicked my A++ and I need a shower before my book study tonight. Also, I haven't eaten today, but right now, I feel like puking, so I may fully cool down before attempting food.

Watching The Biggest Loser with a Pot Pie

Weight: 226.9 lbs. (Wii Fit Age: 25)
Activities: Burned 155 calories during 20-ish minutes on Day 1 Workout with EA Sports Active
Food: French Toast, Bacon, Diet Dr. Pepper, Salad with Ranch Dressing, Hummus and Pita, Chicken Pot Pie, Diet Dr. Pepper, Potato Chips and Parmesan Peppercorn Dip

So, I've been avoiding my Fatty/Fattia project out of fear and laziness. Mostly, I just want to sleep, you know?

My goal is to weigh 125 lbs. by Feb. 10, 2011, my 30th birthday. That means I have 505 days left to lose 101.9 lbs. (Technically, my 100 lbs. would be 126, but I like rounding it off to a pretty number.)

So, this means I have to lose about .2 lbs per day to make my goal. That's only 6 lbs. per month. I find that doable, although somewhat challenging.

My resolution this year was to lose 5 lbs. per month, but it's the 9th month of the year and I'm only down 8.1 lbs. total. That's less than a pound per month.

I got my "French Women Don't Get Fat" book, and I plan to start reading it ASAP. (School is cramping my reading-for-pleasure style, but I'm working on it.)

So, I leave this entry somewhat behind, but hopeful for the future. I will lose .2 lbs. tomorrow. Yes!

A few thoughts...

So, I blew off the detox around day 3.5, but I'm still working on my Fatty/Fattia goal of losing 100 lbs. by my 30th birthday. I don't really have a weight-related update tonight. This one is more...personal.

I've always had an unhealthy relationship to the males of my species. I have no idea why. I've always wanted the attention of boys, but I've also always been terrified of them. I was dumped around Independence Day of this year, and the irony is not lost on me. That was the conclusion of the longest, most successful relationship I'd ever had, but even as best as it was, it wasn't very good. I spent two and a half years in a mostly long-distance relationship with an older, unsuccessful man I didn't find particularly attractive or necessarily like. I spent so long being in a relationship with him because he was persistent. He told me I was pretty, he gave me his attention, and apparently, that's all it takes with me.

I tell this story not to be a bummer or complain about my taste in men, but to illustrate that I am incapable of having a normal romantic relationship. I have a diary from when I was a little girl, and although there is not much in it, there is an entry from when I was in 4th grade or so that I now find particularly troubling. I was about 10 years old, and it was the day before I church picnic, and as a little girl, I recall writing, and meaning very honestly, that I was going to try to be sexy the next day in an effort to catch the attention of the only boy my age that would be there. I don't remember much about what happened besides not getting the attention I wanted. I certainly didn't know how to be attractive, and braces, frizzy hair, and glasses weren't giving much help in that department.

Thinking back over my romantic history, limited as it is, I've always been a little bit off. I was the queen of unrequited love, and I always blamed it on my weight. I don't know, readers, if you're people who believe in God, but I do. And I believe that God has a plan for each of us that we don't always comprehend. I don't know the details of God's plan for me, but I'm pretty sure He allowed me to become fat to save me from my inability to deal with boys. I was always a boy-crazy girl. Not only in the "giggle with my friends about how they're so cute" kind of way, but in the "in high school I probably would have totally put out if someone had asked" kind of way. I think God gave me fat as a way to protect my innocence that I constantly tried to give away and my dignity that I didn't realize I was offering up on a platter. I don't know if I would have really been a teenaged slut because boys didn't pay attention to me in any sort of romantic way. As much as I was blessed with a few extra pounds of protection, I was also blessed with a quick wit and a sharp tongue. I think my attitude may have been as intimidating as my size, and now I see that it's okay.

I've always sort of thought in the back of my mind that solving my weight problems will solve my boy problems. I see now that not only is that not necessarily true, it's also not relevant to the idea of weight loss. I've been trying to lose weight for boys...any of them that would look at me if I got pretty enough. But that will never work. I'm resigned to the fact that I may never have the attention from men that I always wanted, and now I see that it's a good thing. The attention I wanted from men is unhealthy, and ultimately damaging to me, so now, I don't want that attention anymore. I know I'm not completely ugly, and I won't pretend like I don't enjoy being checked out or flirted with, but really, my satisfaction can't come from male attentions. It can't even come from being 100 pounds lighter. My satisfaction comes from finding out what God's plan for me is and getting on board with it. This isn't a new revelation for me, and I've been trying, albeit half-heartedly, to do it for some time.

The real sort of a-ha moment in all of this is that I am completely fine never forging a romantic relationship again. I'm not entitled to one. I don't deserve one. And most importantly, I don't need one to be who I'm supposed to be. I'm certainly not against it, but I've wasted a large number of my 28 years on this earth waiting around to start my life because I didn't have it. No more waiting. I'm going to be who I'm meant to become, and I really hope that person is 100 lbs. less than me. The truth is, I may never get skinny, but I have got to get healthy, and for the right reasons. Not because I want attention, not because I want a man, and not because I want to fit into the cutest new clothes in the stores. I need to do this because I can't live the life I 'm supposed to live when I'm trapped inside a body I've been killing very slowly with insane amounts of food and none amounts of exercise.

So, my Fatty/Fattia project lives on, although I may rename it sometime soon. Turning 30 will not be terrible, even if I do it alone. I'll get one of those Oprah wagons loaded up with 100 pounds of lard and thank God I no longer know what it's like to carry that around in my arteries and arm flab. Today is a good day, and tomorrow looks to be even better!

Detox Day 3

Weight: 223.7
Activities: Trying to stay awake...not easy. I've been feeling really weak and crappy.
Food: banana, peach, plum, 2 arby's jr. sandwiches, brown rice and black beans, then I went nuts and had a Diet Dr. Pepper and 2 cookies

So, this detox/cleanse sucks. I feel weak and sleepy all day. Today I got the caffeine headache I've been dreading, and after a couple hours, I just couldn't take it anymore. So, that explains the caffeine.

I'm giving up on the diet part of the detox, but I will still do my best to make good food choices. I'm gonna keep eating fruit, and focus on smaller portions, but I need protein...and energy to work out.

Then, I have to work out. That will require a plan.

On the plus side, my headache is almost completely gone with less than half a can of DDP required. I don't like being caffeine-dependent, but I'm working on cutting down.

Today, being fat doesn't seem like such a bad choice. I'm still going to be 126 by 2/10/11. That's still my goal. But today, I don't hate myself...and that's a good step.

Keep checking in reader(s). Things are about to heat up...I can feel it.

Detox Day 2

Weight: 223 (OMG!)
Activities: attempting to stay awake (I think the lack of caffeine is affecting me)
Food: banana, 3 Arby's Jr. sandwiches...I'll probably eat some fruit tonight.

So, today, I was sleepy, unproductive, and foggy all day. I am not happy with this detox/cleanse, hence the Arby's. What I really wanted was Whataburger, though, so I think it was a better choice...a little.

I did lose about 3 pounds, though. So, I guess I'll try to stick some more. I really want a Diet Dr. Pepper, though. I will absolutely finish all the pills and powders, but I may not stick to the suggested diet. I'll be sure to eat more fruit and only make one bad choice per day. I'm going to try to refrain from caffeine until Saturday when I have to stay awake on the road.

We'll see how it goes. I was totally defeated and ready to give up on the detox/cleanse until I weighed in today. I guess I just don't like feeling so wimpy. And I don't like eating food I'm not in the mood for...prescribed diets make me unhappy.

I'm still determined to loose 97 more pounds by 2/10/11.

Edit: I weighed myself again about the same time as last night, my my weight is actually up to 224.5. So, I'm going to say I only lost 1.5 pounds, but that's okay.